Keep talking - the art of communication

It's all very well suggesting that you talk with your partner. But what if he won't? Men get as much out of talking as women do - when they do it. But they often find it hard.

Find out how to help him open the lines of communication.

He Never Talks to Me
If your partner doesn't find it easy to talk, particularly about what he feels or thinks, then use these three strategies:

1. Realise the value of silence. Bombarding him with words of encouragement will only put him under pressure. Instead, talk less: he may take the opportunity to talk more.

2. Learn to recognise when he does want to talk, when he needs attention, and signals you don't recognise, such as long silences or physical touch. If he reaches out for you, fix the gaffer tape firmly over your mouth.

3. Make it a great experience for him to talk. Ask questions. Show you're interested. Make it worth his while to come out of his shell.

He Doesn't Listen to Me
What if he won't listen? A bit of tough feedback coming up here: if your partner doesn't listen to you, it may be because you're talking so much that he's on overload.

Are you in the habit of talking most of the time, talking to fill silences, talking in a desperate attempt to get him to listen? If so, he may be shutting down because listening's painful. Or it could be that your partner does pay attention, but doesn't show it in a way that makes you feel good.

If your partner doesn't find it easy to listen, then use these three strategies:

1. Teach him to use listening signals. Ask him specifically to acknowledge what you're saying with whatever signals make you feel heard - eye contact, a nod, a smile. Explain to him that these will help you feel understood.

2. Get him to ask questions. Many men, brought up to think that what's expected of them is action, genuinely believe that doing their bit in a conversation means talking, rather than letting you talk. Explain to him you'll feel much more appreciated.

3. Give him credit for what he does do. Whenever he listens with interest, tell him and show him that you feel better afterwards. Make it worth his while to take the earplugs out permanently.

Extract from Love Coach, by Susan Quilliam, published by Vine House Distribution