Seven secrets of a good marriage

If you're finding that your relationship is under strain, with constant rows and mismatched expectations, here are seven tips to help you go the distance.

- Ask Dear Susan
- 25 relationship musts

Get your deal straight

Marriage is different from living together. Both of you will have different expectations of a 'spouse' and a 'partner' - often basing those expectations on what you saw of your parents' married life.

Successful couples talk deeply before the wedding about their expectations of each other. After the wedding, successful couples also talk regularly to check their expectations of married life. If those expectations clash, they keep communicating until they have understanding and agreement.

Keep your individuality

However independent you were before, marriage has a habit of sucking you in to being a couple. Particularly if the marriage involves children, your lives are increasingly tied up together day to day. The result is often feeling both dependent and depended on.

Successful couples know that marriage can bring this trapped feeling. They encourage each other not to be always 'us', to take 'me' time and to have 'me' hobbies. This way, each partner brings individuality in to the marriage, keeping it fresh and alive.

Keep each other centre stage

It's tempting, once married, to forget the little courtesies. Marriage can cause a sea of change and often you stop being courteous to each other, stop seeing each other as important and instead start putting other things - like work, hobbies or the children - first.

Successful couples always keep each other centre stage. They are interested in their partner's opinions. They refer to their spouse in glowing terms when talking to other people. In short, they never take each other for granted and remember how lucky they are to be married.

Learn to resolve conflicts

American psychologist John Gottman did a 20-year study of married couples and concluded that the main element that separated success from failure was whether or not they could resolve conflicts.

The bottom line is that there'll be times when you disagree and times when these disagreements cause pain. Successful couples keep communicating, whatever the bad feeling between them. They negotiate differences and disagreements so that they both end up getting a fair deal.

Keep the lust alive

On your wedding night, you may rip each other's knickers off - but, to be honest, in the years that follow, desire's going to dip. Plus, nowadays, marriage often coincides with the ultimate passion killer - the birth of your first baby.

Successful couples know that to keep lust alive, you need to actively prioritise lovemaking and make time and space for it. You need to make sure you're constantly updating your knowledge of each other's sexual needs, and finding new ways to please each other. If there's a sexual drought, ride it out by flirting, touching, hugging, kissing and being romantic.

Grow with each other

The bottom line is that the person you marry won't be the person you're still married to in 10 years' time. You'll both change - particularly at crunch points in your lives such as starting a family, losing a parent or facing the empty nest.

Successful couples know that one or both partners will shift in personality at these times. They anticipate shifts and ride with them. Rather than demanding they both stay the same forever, they welcome the natural developments of personality and partnership that happen with time.

Keep working at it

The fact that you're married can make you rest on your laurels - as the years pass, you may feel that nothing can harm your bond.

But beware! Time and a false sense of security can erode even the strongest love. If one or both of you are discontented then fix the problem. And don't feel shy about getting professional help. Successful couples don't wait until the divorce papers are signed before seeing a counsellor - they troubleshoot at the earliest possible moment.