My mother is my grandmother

I’m in my thirties and have recently discovered that the people I thought were my parents are actually my grandparents! My whole life feels like one big lie. My ‘Mum’ just keeps saying she didn’t want to upset the apple cart and won’t answer any of my questions. To make things worse, my biological mother (who I thought was my eldest sister) has no interest in me and has never even met my children, her grandchildren. How do I cope?

Susan advises
Thirty years ago, teen pregnancy was much less acceptable than it is nowadays.

Almost certainly your biological mother couldn’t cope with your birth, and the whole family pulled together to support her. They all pretended that you were simply the youngest child of the family, and they pretended so well that this became the truth for them.

The pregnancy itself was so shameful and so painful that your family didn’t want to face it - and they are still not facing it. But please realise that none of it was really to do with you and the woman you have become. Of course this makes you feel rejected and abandoned -and confused and sad and furiously angry. But none of it is your fault, and in a strange sort of way none of it is personal.

That said, it is a horrendous blow and something that it will naturally take time to get over. You need professional help to come to terms with this total rethink of everything you thought was true. So get that help urgently - the British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists will be able to help.

- Next question: I want to stand by her