My child wants to know about her Dad

My eldest two children see their Dad once a month, but my youngest has never met her Dad because he left before she was born. She’s now two and has started asking questions about Dads. She hasn’t said anything specifically about hers yet, but I know it’s only a matter of time. I don’t want her to know he ran away without leaving any contact details, but equally I don’t want to lie to her. Help!

Susan advises
What a child of two needs to know is very different from what an adult - who can understand the complexities of love and of life - needs to know. So the facts of what happened - which are what you are concentrating on - are not what your daughter needs to hear.

All she needs is to be clear that you love her and that not having a Dad around doesn’t make her any less important or valuable. What she doesn’t need, at this point in her young life - are all the gory details about when her father left, why he left, how he left.

So tell her simply that many people don’t have Dads, that she doesn’t have one, but that her Mummy loves her even more in order to balance things out. Later, as she gets older, you can explain that the reason her Dad left was that you and he didn’t get on - but that it wasn’t her fault that he fled.

You can also point to examples of other children she knows who come from single parent families to show her that there’s nothing unusual about that. And you can make it clear that her father isn’t going to suddenly turn up out of the blue, so she doesn’t harbour false hope. Gradually, as she grows up, she will start to understand how difficult and how complex the whole issue is - but right now, what she needs is love. It may help you to talk this through with a professional - Parentline Plus will be able to help.

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