How to manage your mother

Recently, and not for the first time, I 'fell out' with my mother. From the first moment I sensed she was working up to a spat. Simply having differing opinions on something turned into a heated and personal name-calling session. It took days for us to speak to each other. I felt unfairly attacked. She claimed that we were no longer 'close'. Eventually, we reconciled. When I reflected on what had happened between us, I was forced to ask: Why was our relationship sometimes close - and at others, so volatile?

Primal bond

I am not alone in asking this question. Since time immemorial, mothers and daughters have shared a very special bond - the original bond - but the relationship is often fraught with difficulty. As little girls, our mother is the centre of our universe. She guides and censors every part of our lives. Once we hit puberty, our mothers continue to be influential, but in our efforts to define who we are, we must create distance. This can happen at just the time our mothers desire a deeper connection, and have their own hormonal changes going on. Small wonder there's conflict.

Changing times

The tidal nature of the mother-daughter relationship is not easy, but it's inevitable. Changes in relationships are difficult to accept. It's hard to recognise when it is happening, and to know how to manage it. Watching her daughter develop her own identity, make what may seem unsuitable choices, and possibly exceed the parameters of her own existence, can form a major rupture in a mother's life. She can no longer 'control' her daughter, whether that means moulding her into a well-rounded human being or protecting her from danger. She may feel that the years of emotional investment have been thrown in her face.

Letting go is hard to do

The key to managing these difficult changes is acceptance and letting go. The mother-daughter relationship is not static, but dynamic. A mother needs to be able to incorporate and accept that her daughter is her own person. And this acceptance must be reciprocated. Watching her mother forge new paths can be difficult for a daughter too. Both must be able to let go: this doesn't need to mean losing the relationship, but allowing for transformation within it. The mother-daughter relationship can never be conflict-free, but, with good will and work, over the years mother and daughter can develop a closer, more mature relationship.

Love and understanding: how to manage your mother

- Do some family background research. Ask your mother about her childhood and her relationship with her own mother. How might the past have an impact on your relationship?

- Encourage your mother. Many mothers are so overly invested in the lives of their children that they forget their own self-development. Get your mother to focus less on you and your life, and more about what she wants to do with her own. Respond positively to new directions in her life.

- Take the initiative. If it helps you have a better relationship, take control over when, where and how you spend time with your mother.

- Appreciate your mother. Call her up, take her out, give her some time and attention. Let her know she's important.

- Accept that it is difficult for your mother to stop seeing you as her child. But be clear that you want to be treated like the adult you are now.

- When your mother pushes your buttons, respond calmly in a way that is grown up and not a gut-response from your inner teenager.

- One way to break the pattern of conflict and reconciliation is to stand back from the dynamic and reappraise it. The old saying about 'biting your tongue' is true. If something needs to be said, wait until the heat of the moment has cooled. Use a vehicle such as email or letter to start up a dialogue.

- If your relationship is particularly toxic, consider seeing a therapist to help you both work towards a more loving and understanding relationship.