In the past, my fourteen year old daughter has self-harmed. Although she’s much better now, she still has some noticeable scars. Now she’s been invited to go on holiday with a friend’s family - which she’d love to do, but won’t because she’s worried about them seeing the marks. I would talk to the friend’s mother about it, but she’s not a very understanding person and I’m worried she’d be judgemental. How can I help my daughter get round this?

Susan advises
It’s wonderful your daughter has recovered from her self-harming. But sadly the work doesn’t stop there - now she has to learn to move on.

One of the building blocks of moving on will be for her to get to a point of feeling proud of her recovery rather than guilty and ashamed of her original problem. Can you help her do that? Can you help her realise that she is a survivor - that however much other people may judge her, she should hold her head high?

But that’s a hard call for a fourteen-year-old. So as she learns and grows, you need to support her to be only in situations where she can build her confidence rather than reduce it. And right now, that means your being the ‘scouting party’ to discover the likely dangers in this proposed holiday.

So yes, do have a word with the mother. Explain the problem, explain how painful it has been for you all. It could be that once she understands, she’s very far from judgemental - and that your daughter can happily go on holiday. But if, despite your explanations, this woman seems likely to make waves, this isn’t what your daughter needs right now - and she should pass up on the holiday offer.

It may help to get in touch with the National Self Harm Network for some extra support from parents in a similar situation.