The man my daughters call dad isn't their real Dad though he has always loved them. But five years ago their blood father turned up, spilt the beans, then disappeared again. One of my daughters has taken it in her stride, but the other - just 21 - keeps bringing it up in every argument. Recently I got really fed up and childishly told her that seeing as I clearly couldn't help her deal with it, she should get in touch once she'd sorted herself out. Now I'm scared I'll never hear from her again.

Susan advises

I sympathise with both sides here. Of course it was a shock to your daughter that the man she thought of as her father wasn't - and it must make her feel very insecure, and as if everything in life she ever trusted has let her down.

On the other hand, I also see your point of view. You and your partner did the best you could for your daughters by originally bringing them up in a loving and stable family - and you then hung in there through what has obviously been a challenging time.

Now you've had enough. And actually, I don't think you were as 'childish' as you think you were in saying that you've had enough. Your daughter is 21, and an adult now. She's old enough to be told that the way she's blaming you is unproductive and alienating, old enough to hear your cry for understanding and sympathy.

You might want to write to her - so that you can this time make a statement you've thought through rather than one which you simply blurted out. But I wouldn't back down here from telling her that you may be her mother, but you too need love. Hopefully once she's had time to think this through, she'll do her growing up and get back in touch.