Ten months ago we had our fourth child. After the birth my husband got into the habit of watching late night TV and falling asleep on the sofa. Now he never sleeps in our bed, even if he's not watching TV. He even slept on the sofa during our recent holiday! I know he loves me, but I miss the closeness and intimacy of sharing a room. I'm scared if we don't sort this out it'll never change.

Susan advises
If only I had a pound for every reader who writes to me with this story! But the fact that it's typical doesn't make it any less serious. I do think that regular 'sleeping on the sofa' - for either partner - is a symptom of some kind of withdrawal from a relationship and needs to be faced. So how can you face it?

This isn't a question of nagging your husband back to bed - or even seducing him back. Neither of those strategies would really work, because the underlying causes of his sofa-sleeping are much deeper.

It is a question of facing in yourself - and supporting him to face in himself - what's really going on. And I suspect, given the timing, that what's going on has something to do with your giving birth last time. Is it that your husband now feels alienated because your attention is going to the children? Is it that he doesn't want to make love any more because he doesn't want to get you pregnant again? Have there been any big rows about the kids? What exactly has driven a wedge between you?

This isn't easy stuff, and you will have to have some difficult conversations. But the sooner you have those the better; start talking tonight.