Last year my brother-in-law and his wife adopted a little boy and a little girl - brother and sister. Unfortunately, the little boy had terrible behaviour problems. So after ten months, my brother-in-law gave him back to social services, but kept his sister. Now I feel terrible as I bonded with the boy and miss him a great deal. I'm also worried that, as a family, we've let him down. How can I get over this?

Susan advises
Whatever the logic behind this tragedy, this is a true bereavement - the loss of someone who was part of the family but who is now gone. And so all of you will be feeling desperately sad but also angry - and you'll need to work through this in the way you would a bereavement, by crying and raging.

The difference between typical family loss and what has happened here, though, is that normally no one decides on a death. I sense that you blame your brother and sister in law for the decision they made - and that you yourself feel guilty. I can assure you that they do too - and that they are blaming each other, all the time fearing that their remaining child will blame them too.

So long as all this is hidden, it will fester, so the way forward is to put it on the table. Admit to your relatives how you feel and give them a chance to talk about their emotions.

Do this lovingly, caringly - but do it honestly - and I think you will find that saying these difficult things will start the healing process. This in turn will make it more likely that everyone is able not only to recover, but also to help the child who is still in the family's care.