In the early years of our marriage, my wife would only have sex every couple of months - and then only because she wanted to get pregnant. After my daughter was born twelve years ago, sex stopped altogether as my wife couldn't see the point when we didn't want more children. Since then, I've become increasingly desperate. I care for my daughter deeply and don't want to damage her by having an affair or by leaving, but can't see how I can do this for the rest of my life.

Susan advises
What interests me here is not that your wife has seemingly never been interested in sex - some people just aren't - but that that fact has started to get to you. Even at the start of your marriage it must have been apparent that swinging from the chandeliers was never going to be on the cards.

So what was it that kept you hanging in there? And what is it that right now is tipping you over the edge to leave?

The point I'm making is that what's died here is not only the sex but also the love. Do you and your wife still talk? Do you share good times? Do you try to work through the rage that you feel about the lack of sex - or the rage she presumably feels at the fact that you're slipping away? If you did these things - rather than simply thinking about having an affair or walking out - then the sad situation you're in would be much easier to handle.

I would strongly recommend the two of you go to a counsellor, not primarily because sex has died but because the love is dying. You have to unpick the emotions here before anything can shift sexwise - but do that and there's a good chance that either your wife will start to contact her sexual feelings or that the two of you will recontact your commitment to each other.

Explain to your wife just how desperate you feel, tell her clearly that you'll do anything to save your marriage, then ring Relate.