Recently my thirteen-year-old daughter got together with a boy from school. I wasn’t pleased, but thought I could trust her to be sensible. However, last week her father rang me to say he’d heard a rumour that she’d had sex with this boy - and when I confronted her she admitted it. She says it was only once and that they used protection, but even so I’m devastated. The relationship has finished, but I feel I can’t trust her anymore - in fact, I almost can’t bear to even look at her. How do I cope?

Susan advises
When one’s children have sex, it’s a major life shift. When one’s children have sex way before one thinks they’re old enough, it’s also a huge shock. What you are feeling is not just disappointment that your daughter has gone against the moral values you thought she held. It’s also the realisation that she’s not the person you thought she was.

And, of course, you’re right. She’s not a biddable little girl any more - she’s starting to make her own decisions, to transfer her loyalty to boys who can give her attention, approval and sexual pleasure. No wonder you’re feeling so negative about her.

There is a way back from this estrangement - and it doesn’t involve letting her run riot or putting her in lockdown. It’s to realise that you need to have a different, more upfront and in many ways more equal relationship. You need to start talking with her (not at her) about love and sex and passion and all the things she’s struggling with right now.

You need to share your own fears rather than thinking you can protect her all the time. You need to start demanding adult behaviour from her as well as realising that sometimes she will still be very childish. Do these and over time, you will start to regain your closeness and feel good about her again. To help you through, you may want to talk to Parentline Plus.