AOL

I've been with my husband five years - and have tried so hard to get on with his teenage son. But the boy still refuses to even be polite to me and constantly tries to come between my husband and I. For the last few months he's stopped coming round, which he claims is because he can't stand me. Now he's agreed to stay for a few days and I'm scared I won't be able to put up with his behaviour. I don't want to hurt my husband - so how can I cope?

Susan advises
Given the timing, my guess is that your stepson originally got stroppy because his Dad and Mum split up, then got stroppy because his Dad married you - and then hit puberty which raised his general level of stroppiness.

The anger is targeted at you - but it's really aimed at the world in general and at his Dad in particular. You just happen to be in the firing line - and it's much less risky for him to lash out at you than it is to lash out at his Dad, whom he loves and wants to stay close to.

What to do? First, remember you're not to blame here - the more you take things personally the more you'll up the ante. Second - and this will be hard but it just might work - try supporting the lad. Tell him directly that you understand his anger at the situation. Ask him what he wants and what he needs. Take his side if he gets stroppy.

Dealing with stepchildren can be a bit like judo - the more resistance they meet the harder they fight; take their side in things and mysteriously their resistance crumbles.

Above all, don't turn this into an issue between you and your husband. In five years time, when the lad has grown out of his stroppiness, you need to be sure that your marriage has survived.