AOL

I've been with my husband for twenty five years - but he spends most of his evenings drinking, never has time for me and my teenage kids and we row constantly. We went to Relate but they wouldn't work with him unless he tackled his alcohol problem - and of course he didn't. Now I've met someone who is kind, considerate and responsible. But I'm paralysed - I don't want to split up if things can be better, but I don't want to waste the rest of my life waiting for my husband to grow up.

Susan advises
I get lots of letters like yours - and almost always I advise the writer to hold on, to wait, to make one more try to save their marriage. But I think you've done all that. You've given an ultimatum, you've been to counselling, even your counsellor has given an ultimatum. Yet nothing's changed. You've waited twenty five years for your husband to ‘grow up' and he hasn't. To be honest, there's only a very slim chance that he's going to. I'd think seriously about leaving.

I would give you only one warning - don't leave for another man. In your present, vulnerable state you may not be seeing things clearly or making the right choices. And if you run to this new guy, and it doesn't work out, you will be in even more of a bad state.

Instead, carefully and slowly end your relationship. See Relate alone to work out how to separate. Grieve for your marriage. Learn the lessons that the last 25 years have taught you. Then and only then start a new relationship. If your new man is worthy of you, he'll wait until you're ready.