I don’t think anyone can help me here. Last year, after 22 years together, my husband left me for another woman. Over the past twelve months I’ve done fantastically - sorted out the finances and the divorce, started a degree, been to counselling, even had some dates. But now it’s dawned on me that him leaving didn’t turn off my feelings. Whenever I think about all the times we spent together I feel huge sadness and pain. Problem is, no one around me understands how heartbroken I am - they think I’m doing so well.

Susan advises
First, let me congratulate on how successfully you’ve recovered from the mortal blow your husband dealt you. That’s the good news.

The bad news is that the very success of your recovery has created a major problem. You leapt so quickly into coping mode that you missed out essential stages. You haven’t cried enough. You haven’t raged enough. You haven’t spent enough time mourning the good times in your marriage because you’ve been so busy getting over the bad times. And you haven’t spent enough time looking at what this huge life shift means for you because you’ve been so busy trying to put the past behind you.

I know you’ve had counselling. But the fact your pain is coming back to haunt you means that you were one of those clients who works hard, seemingly gets a result and quickly ends the sessions - where in fact, what you needed was to spend far more time being supported by your counsellor. (I notice that the first words of your letter are “I don’t think anyone can help me” - I suspect that you’ve spent a year unable to admit you need help, which is one reason why everyone thinks you’re coping so well.)

So now, admit your vulnerability. Gather your friends around you, go back to your counsellor. admit that you need to mourn. Do that and another year down the line you’ll be feeling very different about all this.

- Next question: Their friends are really snobby