I'm 41 and have never been married - although I was engaged three times in my twenties. Recently I've decided I'm tired of one night stands and guys who use me for sex. I want to meet the right man, settle down and have kids. So, I'm determined that I'm not going to sleep with a man until I know he's the one I'm going to marry. But when I told my male friend he said frighten everyone off with that attitude. I just want to protect my dignity!

Susan advises
Because you've been so hurt in the past, you're trying desperately to protect yourself from more hurt. That's absolutely understandable - and I absolutely agree that sleeping around is not the way to either be happy in yourself or to find a long-term partner.

Problem is, the way you're protecting yourself is to be terribly anxious, to put up all sorts of barriers, to lay down all sorts of rules - and in general, I suspect, to come across as desperate. In that sense, your male friend is right - you will frighten guys off. Which man wants to be a 'last resort' for a desperate woman? Which man wants to be husband material when what he really wants is to be liked and loved for himself?

So no, don't allow yourself to be treated as a 'sex object' by men who only want that of you. But equally, don't treat men as 'marriage objects' because you want that of them. Give them the same respect as you'd like in return - get to know them, find out about them, make friends with them, and see if you are compatible enough to settle down together. Make friends before you make love - but also make friends before you even think of making that walk down the aisle!