Seven years ago I had an abortion, which destroyed me. I only had it because my husband didn’t want children - and now I blame him for the loss of our baby. It’s even worse because I now can’t have children for medical reasons. As the years go by, I love my husband more but I also loathe him more for that. We live separate lives and while we both still care for each other, we’re not in love any more. We’ve tried counselling, but it hasn’t helped - do we keep trying?

Susan advises
I am so sad for both you and your husband; what happened must be destroying your love. Except, of course, that it’s not. You both still care for each other. You even say you love your husband more than before. That’s a huge victory.

I’m not underestimating the pain you feel. I’m certainly not telling you to stay together; if you are certain it’s time to part no one would blame you for that. But if you were certain, you would have simply left, rather than asking me for permission. I sense you want to make things work, but you are both struggling.

Therapy is the answer. You must be feeling huge amounts of fury towards your husband, as well as grief and guilt about the termination; your husband too must surely be feeling these emotions as he sees you slowly sliding away from him. All this can only really be worked through in the safety of the counselling room with a trained expert.

I know that last time counselling didn’t work for you - but approaches vary, and different therapists have different abilities to handle tragedy and strong emotion. Contact the British Association for Sex and Relationship Therapy. It will do no harm to try again again - and it could just save you.