Four years ago I left my son's dad due to problems with the relationship. I moved away and didn't give him my new address. But now he's found me and wants contact with our son. I don't want to deprive him of this, but I'm finding his visits so hard because I'm still in love with him. He's moved on and doesn't want to revive our relationship. Please help!

Susan advises

Of course you feel upset here, but the principles are clear. You absolutely have to support the relationship between your son and his Dad, because - unless there are problems you haven't mentioned - it will be a positive thing for both of them. To be blunt, however much it hurts, you have no right to block their relationship.

So your challenge, quite simply, is how to stop hurting. You have two things going for you here. The first is that your ex is no longer interested - and it's hard to keep loving someone who obviously doesn't love you in return. Second is that the relationship ended because of problems - and again, it's hard to keep invested in a relationship that full of difficulties.

Keep concentrating on these two things. Keep replaying the problems, how disillusioned you got with your ex, how hard it was to be together, how humiliating it is to love someone who doesn't love you. Don't fall into the temptation of focussing on the good feelings you had for him, or on the happier times you had together.

Above all, remember that emotions change. You were once happy with this man, now you're miserable. In time, you will change from being miserable to being indifferent. And at that point, it will all get very much easier.