I've recently started a relationship with a man who lost his wife 20 months ago. But I'm finding it increasingly difficult because all he talks about is being with her. He still cries when he hears certain songs, and tells strangers about her in shops - he's even kept some deodorant of hers so the boys can smell her when they grow older. He says he's fine - but I'm getting increasingly frustrated. Is a relationship the best thing for him right now?

Susan advises

You've put your finger precisely on the problem here. It sounds as if it's far too soon for this man to be entering another relationship.

Of course bereavement takes different people different lengths of time. And the utter misery of losing a partner often propels someone into taking another lover to dull the pain and give some meaning to life.

But mourning takes time. As I've often explained through this column, a person typically needs to move through a number of very natural, healthy stages - grief, anger, depression - before coming out the other side. It sounds like your man isn't nearly through all that yet.

So I would pull back and concentrate on the friendship rather than on involvement with this man. Because while he may need your support and affection, he isn't yet emotionally free to give you the sort of love you want and deserve. In time - and who knows how long - he will be sufficiently 'over' his loss to have energy to spare for love. If you want a relationship now, then it's kinder to him and to yourself to go find it elsewhere.