AOL

I got married very young and have now been married to my alcoholic, abusive husband for twenty years. I’ve realised that I need to leave him and have finally got up the courage to do so - although I haven’t told him yet. He’ll be heartbroken, but the main thing I’m worried about is my daughter. She’s 20 and I’m scared that if I leave he’ll become totally reliant on her and make her put her life on hold to take care of him. Help!

Susan advises
Don’t hold back from doing anything in life because of what you fear might happen. Instead, put your energy into making sure that what you’re afraid of doesn’t happen.

Fact is, the scenario you outline - that your daughter stays with your husband and gets stuck caring for him - is only one possible outcome. She may be just as upset with him as you are, and ready to leave.

Come to that, she may be willing to come with you when you leave. I do wonder whether your fears about your daughter are simply another set of ‘excuses’ - reasons you are giving yourself why you should stay in the situation and not make your escape. You shouldn’t let your daughter become a reason to ruin the rest of your life.

So talk to her about your fears. Ask her what she thinks and feels. Explain that her father is not her responsibility, and that she - like you - needs to look after herself. You could even find that she knows this already - and that her only worry was that if she left, you’d get trapped looking after the man!