Last weekend I got drunk and ended up kissing another woman - she’s well known in our village as a lesbian. Next morning I told my husband what happened and he was furious. He threatened to leave, although I have now convinced him to stay and work things through. But he says that if she tells anyone, we’ll have to sell the house and leave - he won’t be made a laughing stock. I don’t know what to do - confronting her in public will just make things worse and I don’t know where she lives. Help!

Susan advises
I’m going to surprise you here. I’m going to say that I don’t think your real problem is the drunken kiss. I think your real problem is the miserable marriage that drove you to the drunken kiss.

I am not, repeat not, advocating infidelity. But from your full email, I get that the kiss wasn’t a serious attempt at an affair. It was a silly mistake, maybe a bit of experimentation, and that you deeply regret it. Many a partner, when faced with your obvious distress and the fact that you’d been incapable at the time, might have flinched, but in the end would have given you a hug and said “never mind”.

Not your husband. He threatens to leave, threatens to sell the house and uses the whole thing to browbeat you. If he acts like this towards you all the time, no wonder you got drunk and turned to your friend for comfort.

So don’t expend energy on trying to persuade your gay friend to stay silent. Instead, put your focus on just how toxic your marriage has become - and thinking through how you can either improve it or find a better life.