My husband and I have two young children - but he hardly spends any time with them. He works away a lot and when he's home he spends his time playing cricket. He doesn't even phone the kids while he's away - he says he compartmentalises his life and 'isn't thinking like a parent'. I'm starting to feel I'm just a childminder, which is killing my self-confidence. Am I being selfish when he's working hard to earn money for the family?

Susan advises

You're not being selfish. Because from your letter, I get the clear impression that the reason your husband works hard is not because he wants to earn money for his family. It's because he's wants to be as far away as possible from spousal and parental responsibility.

A man whose incentive is his family doesn't neglect to phone his kids while away, doesn't fail to spend time with them while at home. However tough his job, if his motivation is family, he actively stokes up that motivation by spending time with his wife, by having quality time with the kids - or at the very least by keeping up to date with how they are all doing.

Instead, your husband has withdrawn completely, taken to living like a single man, leaving you to do the parenting while he works and plays. No, you are not just a childminder, you are a loved and valued mother - but the loving and valuing is, I suspect, coming from your children not your husband.

If your husband can start to admit his withdrawal, then given counselling the two of you may be able to get back on track. If not, if he still refuses to change the situation, then you yourself need counselling to help you face the fact that your marriage is over in all but name.