AOL

I'm in my twenties - but when I was 13 I found out I could never have children, and after that I went off the rails, and got into alcohol, drugs and sex. But I put my Mum through such terrible stress that she died of a massive heart attack and I've never been able to forgive myself. I've tried talking to doctors about my problems but I feel they're judging me. Is there any way through this - I just want some inner peace.

Susan advises

A sense of responsibility is an essential emotion. If none of us ever felt responsible, then we would ride roughshod over everyone, lash out without thinking - and the world would be a brutal place.

But sometimes, we take too much responsibility - or we take responsibility inappropriately. And that's what you're doing here. For starters, I doubt if your bad behaviour was the only cause of your mother's heart attack - diet, exercise and other life stresses were almost certainly involved.

Second, though your behaviour at 13 was unwise, you didn't mean to cause your mother's death. Your reaction now shows that you loved her deeply and never meant to do her any harm - you don't need to keep proving you love her by constantly giving yourself a hard time.

Thirdly, clinging on to your guilt seven years later isn't actually useful. It doesn't help you. It doesn't help those around you. And it absolutely isn't what your mother would have wanted.

Bottom line, you have suffered - and now it's time to stop suffering. It's time to see not a doctor but a counsellor, who will not judge you and who will help you forgive yourself. It's time to do your best for your mother and her memory - by living a happy life for the many decades you have ahead of you.