After twenty five years of marriage and three children, my niece has left her husband for a much older, recently widowed man who seems the complete opposite of everything she normally likes. He drinks, smokes, won’t let her out of his sight and paws her constantly in public. My other niece has met him and says he’s ‘revolting’! I can’t believe my niece has done anything so out of character - she’s always so prim and proper. To make things worse, she stopped contacting her mother, my sister - the worry is making my sister ill. How can we deal with this?

Susan advises
What do you mean by your question? Do you mean “how can we persuade my niece to go back to her husband”? If so, then I’m afraid you are on a loser. For some reason - perhaps precisely because she has been so prim and proper all her life - she has kicked over the traces and fled. I’m not saying she’s made a wise choice, but you can’t talk someone out of love. All you can do is to be there for them if love fails and they have to come slinking back.

Or does your question mean “How do we as a family stop falling apart?”. The answer here is more simple. You spend time with each other. You support each other. You remind each other that you are not to blame. You get on with living your own lives and making the best of that.

Yes, you feel your niece has acted badly - and I suspect that at some level you also feel her actions are making you look bad. But she is a grown woman who has to make her own choices in life. Bottom line - and I say this not to blame you, but to let you off the hook - her actions are not really any of your business.