My partner and I have been together nine years. At the start of our relationship we tried living together, but he didn’t get on with my teenage daughters so we went back to living separately. But now the kids are grown up, we want to try again. Problem is, my daughters and their families still spend a lot of time at my house as we’re very close - which my partner says he wouldn’t like if he lived with me. So he wants me to move into his, smaller house, which he hopes my family won’t see so much as their home. Should I agree?

Susan advises
The issue here isn’t which house you live in - that’s simply your partner’s practical suggestion to get round the much deeper emotional problem of his dislike of your daughters. But unless you tackle that problem at its roots, then wherever you live, there’ll be aggro.

In one respect, this whole thing isn’t so serious; there’s nothing in the rule book to say that we have to like the relatives of the people we love! And if you can both step back and not feel threatened, then you can negotiate a way forward. You see less of your family out of love for him... he sees more of them out of love for you...

But are the underlying emotions just too strong? Your partner seems to be making cohabitation conditional on your pulling back from your family. You, meanwhile, feel that in rejecting your daughters he is rejecting you. This is strong stuff and if it’s not resolved, you will never be happy together.

I’d get professional help. Relate have counsellors specially trained in family issues, who can help you both unpick what’s going on and how you can resolve it. It’s vital that you start your ‘living together’ life as solidly as possible; so give Relate a call today.