Ten years ago my husband set up a business and ever since, it has lurched from one crisis to the next - eating up our money as it goes. He claims all these problems are ‘unforeseen’, but actually they’re just the normal things that happen to businesses. He never plans, but just buries his head in the sand until things get really bad - which is often when I’m having work troubles too. I’m fed up of the constant worry and want him to get a salaried job. But he says I’m disloyal for even suggesting it. Help!

Susan advises
You have backed your husband steadfastly for ten years while he tried to run things his way. Now, after a considerable amount of evidence that the route he’s taking is ill-advised, you’re asking him to run things your way.

I don’t think, you’re being disloyal - I think you’re being sensible.

That said, your husband will neither agree nor understand. Because for him the issue isn’t anything as trivial as whether you are both on the verge of financial meltdown. The issue is whether you believe in him - and when you ask him to change what he’s doing, he takes that as proof that you don’t. His whole identity is caught up in his business, and by challenging his acumen, you are challenging his sense of self.

I’m not suggesting you simply go with what’s happening - it’s got far too stressful for you. But you have to help your husband see that you still love him, still believe in him, still value him - and that asking him to take a salaried job doesn’t alter that. For his part, he has to realise that marriage and family sometimes means compromise - and that now you’ve supported him for ten years, he has to start supporting you!

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