AOL

Last year my partner started a new job and shortly afterwards went to the office Christmas party. He came home from the party covered in body glitter, so I accused him of being with another woman. At first he denied it, but then he admitted that he had kissed a 21-year-old colleague. I was devastated and even now can’t stop being suspicious of him. He says it was just a kiss, but it’s eating me up. When will the hurt and distrust stop?

Susan advises
The hurt and distrust will stop when you understand why this happened, and when you know it isn’t going to happen again. Was it alcohol? Was it Christmas spirit? Was your partner feeling panicked at getting older and needed a bit of an ego-boost? Did the first office party at his new job make him nervous and out of control? Or he is feeling trapped in your relationship and needed a little freedom?

Don’t get me wrong - I am not trying to shift the blame from him to you. And I’m not saying that all this is a sign that your whole relationship is falling apart. But until you both understand what was going on, you will always feel out of control, wondering whether - or when - it is going to happen again.

So calm your anger long enough to approach your partner lovingly and help him lower his barriers. Help him to explore what happened and why - and to realise what propelled him into an unwise kiss. Help him not only to decide never to repeat the experience, but also to change his motivation so that he follows through on that decision.

The more the two of you can tackle this as a joint project, the more confident you’ll be that a problem like this will never happen again. The more confident you are that it won’t happen again, the more trusting and loving you’ll feel.