AOL

I’m in a relationship with a lovely man, who is a widower and has twins at University. During term time our relationship is fantastic, but as soon as his children come home I feel I become invisible - all his attention is focused on them. They do know about me, but don’t want to meet me. I’ve tried talking to my partner about how bad it makes me feel, but he doesn’t know what to do. I don’t want this to split us up.

Susan advises
There’s always a pull between a parent’s commitment to children and to a new partner. But where children are independent and emotionally mature, they’re able to support their parent’s need for an intimate relationship.

Your partner’s children aren’t ready for that. They still need their father, are obviously still grieving for their mother, and probably see his relationship with you as a betrayal of her memory. He meanwhile is trying to love them enough for both parents.

You don’t say how long it is since your partner’s wife died, but I would expect this situation to change as the children grow up and the whole family works through their bereavement. But I do think that your partner ought to be clear with his children that it must change, that they should not expect him to put them first and always for ever and ever. He has needs too, and moving the father-children relationship to a level where he states those needs and they respond to them is part of their growing up and becoming equal - and equally responsible - adults.

You can’t push this situation and you shouldn’t pressure your partner. But you should be clear about your feelings. He needs to realise that unless in the end he gives you a secure and valued place in his life, eventually you will not be in his life at all.