AOL

My boyfriend and I have been together nine years and have three kids together. We both love each other very deeply, but have had a lot of problems to work through. These centre around the fact that although I had previous relationships before this one, I was my boyfriend’s first. He’s curious about what it would be like to be with other people, which I can understand. But recently he had a one night stand and although I see what drew him to it, I still feel so hurt.

Susan advises
The bad news here is that the surface reason for your boyfriend’s having a one night stand may be only the tip of the iceberg. Yes, he’s curious about what sex would be like with someone else; but for the past nine years, this hasn’t driven him to play away. So I do wonder whether there’s something deeper going on here.

Has your boyfriend recently had a blow to his self-esteem? Has he started to see himself as somehow lacking because he’s only had one lover? - if so, how can you help him feel better about himself?

Or, have the two of you recently had problems? Even the best relationships have tricky periods, which can lead people to look outside. Is this what made him stray? - if so, the two of you need to talk things through and, preferably, see a counsellor.

The good news, however, is that, though it’s perfectly natural and understandable that you feel hurt, you have every reason to hang on in there and work this through - you’ve been together a long while, you have the children to think of. And actually, there’s every hope that you can survive this - you love each other deeply and that in itself gives you a wonderful head start towards a resolution.