I've discovered that my partner and one of my female friends have been flirting by text and email - for the past two years! Some of the messages are very sexual, so I felt as bad as if they'd been having an affair. At first they both said I was overreacting, but eventually my partner agreed it had been wrong. But my friend is still saying she didn't break any rules and that I'm making a fuss about nothing. Is she right?

Susan advises
Almost always, if someone gets defensive about something and hits back at an accuser, it's because the accusation is well founded. Someone genuinely innocent acts bewildered, concerned, worried about the other person's feelings and eager to reassure.

That's not what your friend is doing here - and for that reason I would say that she's wrong and you're right.

In short, your friend is blaming you in this situation because she doesn't want to blame herself. She may or may not feel actively guilty - but my bet is that she knew very well she was out of order.

After all, if the two of them were simply having a laugh, why weren't you in on the joke?

Your man got the point in the end, so I'd stick with him - though the two of you do need to take a close look at why he needed to flirt. But I'd dump your girlfriend. If she not only does the dirty on you, but also is nasty enough to put the blame on you, she doesn't deserve your friendship.