I've been with my husband fifteen years, married for five. I do love him, although his alcoholism and violent mood swings have caused problems recently. But five years ago I met a man who seemed to be my 'ideal'. I developed a crush on him, which I thought would fizzle out - but five years on I still feel the same. I don't often see him, but the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I'll bump into him again soon. I want to put all my energy into my marriage - but how can I get over my feelings?

Susan advises
What a very sensible and mature letter! You're not falling into the - very understandable - trap of taking your 'crush' seriously or thinking that it has any basis in reality. Well done for seeing things so clearly.

The one place, however, that you're not seeing things clearly is over your marriage. Because I think you're underestimating the toll that your husband's behaviour is having on you. Alcoholism. Violent mood swings. These are not easy things to deal with. My bet is that the man you're infatuated with is the only bright spot in your life. No wonder you think about him constantly.

As you very well know, the answer is not to be with your crush, even if he said he wanted you, which he hasn't. But equally the answer is not to ignore your thoughts of this man because they have a serious message for you - they are telling you to acknowledge the very real problems with your situation and get professional support urgently. What you are asking of yourself is too much, and your infatuated dreams are telling you that.

There are a number of help routes you can follow. Al-Anon provides support for families of people with alcohol problems. So contact them right away. Improve your marriage and I think you'll find your infatuation dies away.