My husband and I are constantly arguing - it seems to me that we don’t even like each other any more. Recently, I finally cracked and told him I thought we should separate. What particularly tipped me over was that our twelve-year-old son has got so fed up of the atmosphere, he’s said he’d prefer us to split than kept rowing. But my husband won’t agree - he just keeps saying if I showed him more affection everything would be fine. Is he right? Would it be selfish to take the kids and leave?

Susan advises
I have no idea whether you should stay in this marriage. What I do know is that when a relationship reaches the point you are at - a tit for tat, “if only you’d do x then it would all be OK” sort of stage - then you need serious action.

You know this. Your son knows it. Your husband knows it deep inside, but daren’t admit it for fear you will walk out. But actually, given the chance, you don’t want to walk out. You would much prefer to stay together, if that is at all possible.

Is it possible? I don’t think you know yet. I see evidence in your email that you’ve both tried to get back on track. But I don’t see evidence that you’ve done that systematically, or brought in outside expertise to help.

So ring Relate and fix an appointment - along with your husband if possible, alone if not. Take some time to explore what’s going wrong and what you can do to put it right. Then, and only then, make your decision. If you leave, at least you - and your son, and your husband - will know that you did everything you possibly could to make it work.