My girlfriend of four years always tells me I focus too much on making love - she thinks it’s something that should just happen. The trouble is, it never does just happen. She works long hours and always seems to be too tired. Every time I mention it seems to be the wrong time - which, I admit, does make me a bit sulky. Apparently her ex husband was very demanding, so I don’t want to be like him - should I be giving her more breathing space?

Susan advises
Yes, perhaps you should be giving your girlfriend more space. Because the more someone feels pressured to do something, the less they want to do it. And if she’s had years of experiencing her husband’s demands, she’s probably extra vulnerable over this.

I do understand that sex is important to you. And my bet is that, like many men, it’s not just the physical pleasure that’s crucial - it’s also the fact that when you make love, you feel loved. Your girlfriend, like many women, does it the other way round. She needs to feel loved before she can get in the mood for making love.

So for the next few months, try playing things differently. Back off the sex and focus more on showing your affection. Stop the sulking and start the caring. Tell your girlfriend when you feel fond of her. Say what you appreciate about her, and what makes you feel good. Snuggle up, but reassure her that you’re not demanding passion.

I think you’ll find that if you react to her in a different way, your girlfriend will feel more positive. And if she feels more positive, she’ll react very differently to the thought of sex.