I've been married twenty years, but thirteen years ago my wife had an affair; she wouldn't go to counselling, and we stayed together for the kids. Since then I've ended up looking elsewhere for love - my wife knows but has repeated that she can never love me again. I feel very depressed by the whole situation and want to leave. But with one son at Uni and another about to go, how can I break our family apart by walking away?

Susan advises
Classic story. Couple decides to stay together for the kids. They hunker down and make it work - maybe with a few affairs - for many years. Then just when the children are on the point of not needing them any more, things fall apart.

But why? Simply because the couple's job is done. The heavy-duty parenting is over. And some part of them is saying 'we can split up now...'.

I'm not saying you should split up right now. Parting while your sons are at Uni might be turbulent for them, and it might be worthwhile waiting a few years. But it might also be worthwhile asking what their wishes are; after all they are no longer children but young men who have undoubtedly noticed that their parents' marriage is on the rocks. They might surprise you - as the children of one couple I counselled surprised their parents - by begging them to split in order to bring an end to the unbearable tension in the house!

Whatever, your marriage is now reaching its end game and you both should be preparing for divorce. That fact alone should help you see this to the end - whether that end is now or in a few years time.