I’m seeing a guy who is married with kids. We’re madly in love and hope one day to start a life together - but after eighteen months, we still have no idea when that’ll finally happen. The waiting and the being apart is driving me wild. I feel so miserable and stressed, that I’m becoming a recluse. To make things worse, I’m also starting to panic that I couldn’t live with myself if I broke up his marriage and family. But I know I can’t live without him. Help!

Susan advises
Actually, you’re wrong. However much in love with this man you are, you could live without him. To begin with you would miss him dreadfully, and mourn the fact that your relationship didn’t work out. But in the end you would survive - and all the signs are that you’d be a lot happier.

Because everything you say in your letter tells me that the current situation is wrong for you. It’s not just that you’re tired of waiting for your partner to leave his family. It’s not just that the fact he hasn’t left shows you aren’t as important to him as you want to be. It’s also that you’re not even sure you want him to leave - you’re having ethical and practical misgivings about the whole thing.

If your partner wasn’t married, then you would recognise your current down moods, your panics and your doubts as a sign that the relationship wasn’t working. You would realise that you either needed to change something or to walk away.

The fact he’s married is blurring the issues - but those issues are still the same. You’re deeply unhappy and - as you’re not even sure you want him to leave his wife - walking away, though it will be painful in the short-term, is in the long-term by far your best option.