Three and a half years ago I split from my husband. The divorce was awful - he took me through the courts to make a claim on the house I owned, which decided me that I’d never marry or share a mortgage again. Two years ago, I met a lovely new man, but again there seem to be issues around money. And though we’ve discussed him relocating to move in with me, he said he wouldn’t do it unless we married. I can’t shake the idea that marriage would be a really bad plan.

Susan advises
Yes, right now marriage would be a really bad plan for you. For a start, you’re not emotionally ready to settle down again - and all your instincts are telling you that. And if you go against those instincts, you’ll start your new commitment in the worst way possible.

Far better to wait. Get back confidence in yourself after the divorce. Build up confidence in your partner. Let him build up confidence in you - my bet is that he’s holding out for marriage because he senses your uncertainty and, quite understandably, wants some guarantees.

Plus get those underlying money issues sorted out. Sure, you may be getting into arguments simply because your new man genuinely is as greedy as your husband was - but more likely, you’re so traumatised by the divorce that you are suspicious and vulnerable; given time and space you’ll be more laid back and more able to give and take comfortably.

Bottom line, you need to get over what happened with your husband before you can sort out what is really happening with your current partner. Once you’re through the past pain, you’ll be much better able to make wise judgements about the here and now.