My son's father left years ago so, essentially, I've brought up my son by myself. Now he's an adult - but sadly, has lots of problems. He drinks, takes drugs, steals - you name it, he's done it. And he says that it's all my fault that he's like this. I've done everything I can to get him help, but it still really hurts that he blames me. Can it really be all my fault?

Susan advises
It would be wrong of me to tell you that parents are never responsible for their children's upbringing - of course they have significant input.

But when a child turns round and blames a parent completely for their problems in life, that tells me that the child is not taking any responsibility - and that's just as wrong. As an adult, your son should have long ago stopped passing the buck - the things that have gone amiss in his life are down to him. His problems are his choice: however sad or bad his upbringing, he chose to be a thief and an addict; many people have terrible childhoods, and turn out just fine.

In any case, I don't get from your letter that your son had a terrible childhood at all. You obviously love him, you obviously want the best for him, you obviously did your best even though you were coping single-handed. I don't think you should blame yourself, or give yourself a hard time because your son won't take any responsibility and won't accept any support.

What I would do is get support for yourself to get you through; try the Association for Family Therapy web site at www.aft.org.uk, or contact Relate who now offer family counselling at several locations - call them on 0845 456 1310. Both you and your son may also find Talk to Frank a useful organisation - it provides help, advice and support to both users of drugs and concerned family members - call them on 0800 776600.