Women

Counselling is completely for you - you decide what you want out of it, the counsellor simply agrees to help you reach your goals.

Counselling is caring - a counsellor will support you, though not necessarily in the ways you expect.

Counselling is under your control - counsellors help you decide what is right for you, but won't, or shouldn't, tell you what to do.

Counselling is confidential - what you tell a counsellor will be for his or her ears alone, unless you agree otherwise.

Counselling is contractual - your formal agreement may involve practical details about time, money and location, while your informal agreement will cover what you expect from each other and how you work together.

Counselling isn't a process that can solve all your problems.

Counselling isn't a substitute for love or friendship.

Counselling isn't magic - it won't help you unless you want it to and unless you work at it!

Do you need help on a particular issue, such as bereavement, addiction or your relationship? If so, you need to find a counsellor who specialises in this. A good starting point is to contact an organisation set up to help people with this issue.

Do you want a particular approach to the problem? For example, you may specifically want to work as a couple on your relationship problems - so individual counselling won't suit you.

What sort of counsellor do you need? Think about whether you want to work with a man or a woman; someone from your own culture or religion; a counsellor within a particular age range; a counsellor who shares your sexual preference.

How instantly available do you need the counselling to be? Many counsellors have a waiting list - so if you need instant help, or know that you may need help at odd times of the day or night, then it may be best to ring a helpline.

It's a cliché to say that you have to give to receive, but in the case of counselling it's absolutely true. You need to put in the time, the energy, the commitment - and often the money - in order to get something back.

This doesn't mean that the more time you put in or the more money you spend, the better the counselling is - some of the best results come from short sessions with voluntary (unpaid) counsellors. But you won't get a result unless you've put in the work!

How often? Most counsellors ask to see you once a week. But some counsellors leave more space between sessions, while others ask you to see them more regularly.

How long? The typical length of a session is an hour, though some counsellors run longer sessions.

How much? Counselling rates vary enormously. State-funded counselling is usually free but you will only receive a limited number of sessions. Counselling provided by a specialist organisation, particularly if it is staffed by volunteers, will cost less. Private counsellors cost the most. Some bodies charge a percentage of your income. Relate, for example, charges up to £45 per hour, but stresses that there are lots of subsidised appointments available, and you shouldn't let the price put you off - each centre has means in place to help you if you can't afford the full price.

Other commitments? Some counsellors ask for specific commitments while you are working with them - for example, that you complete weekly tasks, or that you stay away from mind-altering drugs.

Telephone directories - your local directory may list counsellors under 'Counselling', 'Therapy', 'Psychotherapy' or 'Hypnotherapy'. But be warned - a directory listing isn't a guarantee of quality, anyone can place an ad.

Professional networking lists - there are 'unions' of counsellors, such as the British Association of Counselling, whose members cover all sorts of specialisms. The 'Useful contacts' link above lists some of the key ones - many offer online counselling as well.

State counselling - if you want counselling provided by the NHS, then your first point of contact is your local doctor.

Through a specialist organisation - if you know of an organisation that deals with your specific problem, such as relationship issues, then their Web site will sometimes list a helpline, for instant support, or counselling centres or individuals who can help. Some Web sites also offer online counselling.

Personal contact - you may get a recommendation from a friend who has seen a counsellor. The good news about that is that you know your friend has found the counsellor effective. The bad news is that just because the counsellor's style suits your friend, it doesn't mean that it will suit you.

If you ring a telephone helpline, you'll be speaking to a counsellor immediately and will have the chance to start dealing with your problem right away.

If you are aiming to work with a counsellor in person, you will probably make a first contact by emailing or telephoning them. At this point you can check practicalities such as cost and location.

Always have an initial meeting with a counsellor before committing to working together long-term. This allows you to tell the counsellor what your issue is, to ask about how they work, and to make sure you get on with each other.

In an initial meeting, a counsellor should also set a framework for your working together. He or she needs to check your goals for the counselling, to give you some basic information about what will happen in sessions, to state what commitments you need to make and gather some basic information about you.

If there is a fit between what the counsellor is offering and what you want - and between what the counsellor wants and what you are happy to spend in terms of time, money and commitment - then you will usually arrange to see each other for a specific number of sessions.

How long is a piece of string? In other words, every counsellor will have their own way of working and, even with the same counsellor, each session will be different. However, here are some guidelines.

Typically, counselling will involve you talking and the counsellor listening and asking you questions. But there may be tasks to do in between sessions, such as making lists, writing a diary or discussing things with your partner.

The counsellor will rarely make specific suggestions or give you advice, but will be much more likely to support you to find your own answers.

The aim of counselling is to help you move from conscious to unconscious - it's not just about thinking through the things you know, but also about becoming aware of the things you don't know.

A counselling session won't always be comfortable - your counsellor won't always agree with what you say, and may challenge your thoughts, feelings and actions, in order to help you think them through.

You may find yourself feeling very strong emotions during counselling - such as anger, fear or grief. Don't worry - this is normal. On the other hand, if you don't feel these things, it doesn't mean that you aren't getting a result - some counselling doesn't involve feeling strong emotions at all!

Finding a counsellor to suit you is a bit like buying a house - you may need to look at a few before you get one that really fits the bill.

So don't panic if you start to work with a counsellor, but then don't like them or don't find a benefit in the counselling.

The bottom-line question is: 'Am I getting what I need?' If the answer is no, tell the counsellor and ask if you can work together to feel more comfortable or get more from the sessions. If necessary, change counsellors - you are the consumer!

Counselling doesn't - or shouldn't - go on forever. At some time, you will have got back on top of your life, made the changes you want to make and be ready to move on.

The bottom-line question here is: 'How would I feel if I stopped counselling?'

If you sense that you would be fine and you would now be able to carry on alone, without support, then leave. There's no point in continuing to get counselling for the sake of it.