Women

Tara Palmer-Tomkinson

Tara Palmer-Tomkinson and Sharon Marshall have had their fair share of life's little grenades. Now they've learned how to throw them back. To live the good life, it helps to be bad sometimes. So this is their take on how to tell if you've been dumped already.

One of the problems with men is that sometimes they don't actually mention that you've been dumped. You're sort of left to figure it out. Men just aren't as confrontational as women. Rather than just saying it's over, they think they're being soooo nice by just drifting gently out of your life. The trick is to spot the signs, so you can avoid all the drifting, get rid of the little loser and get straight down to being naughty with somebody else.

So, first of all, here are the signs.

Checklist
- Have those cosy conversations about how you must meet the parents/have lots of his babies/be blissfully happy for ever dried up?

- Has he suddenly come over all Donald Trump - claiming he can't see you because of endless 'business meetings'? (If he's started combing his hair like Donald's too, you really must end things immediately).

- Is he now always texting you rather than calling?

- Is he always in a hurry to hang up? Claiming he's 'on the tarmac and about to take off/on a train/about to go into a tunnel' when you call? Ask yourself if this sudden spurt of jetsetting really fits his job - e.g. does Burger King really insist on all this international travel for its chefs?

- When you get serious on the telephone he says 'you're breaking up'. And deep down you know what he means is 'we're breaking up'.

- If you text him saying you want to ride him till dawn, does he come back with a message about his accountant/mother?

- Does he only ever call you and suggest meeting when he's either drunk or the pubs are shut?

- Now you think about it, does he look a bit sheepish all the time?

- Has he called you to say you need 'to talk'?

- Is he always having a shower before he gets home from late night meetings with 'the boss'?

- Is he just being too, well, sweet? Surprise flowers and gifts all the time? If it's out of the blue or out of character it could be out of guilt, you know.

- Does he look nothing like the Adonis he should do, given the number of hours he's spending at the gym?

- Does he always claim the scratches on his back came from a friend's cat, but it's pretty obvious the cat is about 5ft 7? And probably blonde.

- Is he claiming a headache when that should be your prerogative?

- Or - and this is always a bit of a giveaway - you haven't heard from him for weeks now?

If most of this is looking a bit familiar then, girlfriend, you're about to be chucked. In fact, we hate to break the news to you, but you've probably been chucked already.

Exit with dignity. If you're still clinging to that last vestige of hope that the relationship might survive, you could go down the route of trying to play games. Try to look really busy in the hope he'll be intrigued and phone you to find out what you're up to. Switch the phone off so you look like you're doing something important. Get seen out with male friends. Get yourself into OK! magazine and trumpet your romance with someone else. Better still, announce it in Forthcoming Marriages in the Telegraph. That sort of thing.

But most of the time it's just easier to ask what's going on.

In your heart of hearts, when you know, you know. Go with your instincts and brace yourself. It hasn't worked out.

SOD HIM.